God Acts Again on Behalf of the Cleveland Browns

Posted on by Matt

On October 25, 2020, God, in his infinite wisdom, threw a lightening bolt down at Odell Beckham’s left knee, knocking him out for the season. That Act of God cleared the way for the Browns to make a deep run into the playoffs.

Make no mistake, nobody in the franchise gets credit for that stroke of luck. God could have just as easily acted in favor of a different team. The Browns were very lucky in 2020 because there is no way in hell the franchise would have acted to eject the football poison known as OBJ.

Indeed, the Browns brought OBJ back for the 2021 season, and gave him more snaps and targets than any other receiver on the team. They did this in the face of iron-clad stats that proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that OBJ’s presence somehow discombobulated their franchise quarterback, Baker Mayfield.

Everybody in the football world knew about this, what we might call “negative chemistry” or “anti-chemistry.” A chimpanzee could have figured it out, but not the Browns.

In fact, right up to OBJ’s sneak attack on Baker Mayfield last week, Head Coach Stefanski was vowing to try harder at getting OBJ some stats. He had no clue, and neither did Andrew Berry, Paul DePodesta, The Haslams, or Baker for that matter. When OBJ stuck the shiv into Baker’s belly, he achieved perfect tactical surprise. Nobody saw it coming.

In fact, if memory serves, Freddy Kitchens was the only guy in the organization that ever criticized OBJ. Freddy publicly castigated OBJ when he didn’t show up for practice. He was the only one that got it right.

Stefanski, Berry, and DePodesta are lauded for their Ivy League pedigrees, but I wonder: were these guys legacy admissions? Because what they did was just plain dumb.

Remember when the meme: “The Browns are better without Beckham” arrived on the scene? And reporters asked about it during press conferences? And everybody in the franchise said that those critics didn’t know football? That they didn’t understand all the magical things that OBJ did on the field? Well, they were wrong. The critics were right. And when random critics such as myself know better than the highly-paid staff of the Browns, you’ve got a serious problem.

So, should the entire front office be broomed? No, because you have to ask: “compared to what?” How would other franchises have fared if infected with the sinister presence of OBJ? Probably not much better. However, DePodesta is the famous analytics guy, and if he didn’t discover the problem before ESPN Stats & Information did, and didn’t take the findings to the Haslams, and recommend OBJ’s termination, then he should definitely be allowed to return to baseball. On the subject of OBJ, the front-office was profoundly anti-analytic, just totally ignoring the most glaring stats imaginable. I wonder if PFF grades analytics guys. If I were them, I would give DePodesta a zero-point-zero.

Remember, it wasn’t just OBJ causing the Browns to lose games. It was OBJ stunting the growth of the team’s franchise quarterback. And that is a very grave sin. At least one head needs to roll. After all, the team’s very motto is “smart, tough, and accountable.” Where, may I ask, is the accountability in this nuclear-grade debacle?

And now, God has acted again on behalf of your Cleveland Browns. Remember, nobody in the franchise ejected OBJ from the team. It was OBJ himself, under divine guidance, who restored the Browns to greatness by ejecting his own ass. Those Browns you saw pummeling the Bengals on Sunday? Those were the real Browns who would have remained shrouded from view indefinitely without God acting on their behalf.

Also, it’s not a coincidence that the defense played their best game of the year. OBJ’s voodoo affected the entire team, not just Baker and the offense. Going into the game, Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase were the premiere passing duo in the league, and the Browns just wrecked them. Expect more of that. The vision of DC Joe Woods is now manifest.

So, with the Browns having embarked upon a third Golden Age, why am I so critical of the franchise? Answer: because they are still fucking up on a grand scale. On the surface, it seems like a super-talented roster, and an all-star coaching staff would be enough to win the Super Bowl, but it is not. There are also the issues of discipline, and strength & conditioning, both of which the Browns are the worst at.

On the issue of discipline, take a look at this (you need to click through to see the Browns way at the bottom):

On the issue of injuries, strength, and conditioning, see this article: Cleveland Browns strength and conditioning program is failing.

What the hell do the Browns have on their training table? Coffee and donuts in the morning? Mac & Cheese, and veggie burgers for lunch? Like the article linked above says, it’s just not normal to have as many injuries as the Browns do. Something is seriously wrong there.

Note: OBJ wants a Super Bowl ring, and as soon as the Browns dropped into last place in the division, he pulled the rip cord and bailed out. Ironically, his exit rejuvenated the Browns and instantly transformed them into a Super Bowl contender! Take that OBJ!

Note: Baker is sad to lose his friend, but OBJ is not done with Baker or Stefanski. He needs to blame them for his lackluster performance when he is negotiating his next contract (assuming that there is a franchise stupid enough to employ him). So, Baker needs to wrap himself in magazines to absorb the rapid stabbings like you see in prison movies.

Note: OBJ Liberation Day! Mark November 5, 2022 on your calendar as the first anniversary of OBJ Liberation Day! The Browns will have won many football games by then, and celebration will definitely be in order. Without the discombobulating presence of one Odell Beckham, Jr. the considerable talent, skill, and coaching prowess possessed by your Cleveland Browns will break free to fulfill its lofty potential.

Note: Is it a coincidence that the Browns extended Wyatt Teller’s contract on the very day that OBJ hit waivers? No, it is not. That was the Browns sending a message to OBJ that they are now wisely using OBJ’s money to invest in a much more valuable player.

Note: In this idiotic article, OBJ thrall, Jared Mueller of USA Today says: “Beckham gives the Browns the best chance for more explosive plays…” Really? It seems to me it was just the opposite: in the very next game after OBJ’s exit, the Browns made nothing but explosive plays, and not just on offense! Advice for OBJ thralls: seek professional help; tell the therapist that you need to be deprogrammed out of a personality cult. I am not joking.

Note: Like I said in my previous blog: “Browns fans rejoice!” That motherfucker is Gone, Daddy, Gone!